Furious. Irate. Livid. None of these adjectives can begin to describe the inexpressible rage that overtook me yesterday evening. Having left my academic accouterements in the capable hands of my friend Megan, I returned from my one hour Glee watching hiatus to resume studying for an impending exam the following morning. Choosing instead to set up camp in the games room adjacent to my beloved study nook, I went to retrieve my book bag and return to my haven of productivity.

Upon arrival, I discovered the unthinkable. My corner had been usurped by a horde of viscous, simple-minded bimbos hellbent on crushing my spirit and ruining my prospects of success. One of them, their ring leader, had been sitting next to me earlier that very same day.

I recalled her plain Jane appearance and ubiquitous MacBook Pro. As I settled into my routine of plugging my laptop into the secret outlet hidden in the floor, I recall her surprise and delight to discover a means of indefinitely powering her computer to prolong her stint in my beloved lobby. After jokingly (but not so jokingly) swearing her to secrecy, I resumed work on my research paper, oblivious to the approaching horrific injustice that was to drive me into exile.

As this scene played itself out in my minds eye, rendering me incapable of rational thought, I became enraged. How dare these girls use my lobby. They were not worthy to bask in the welcoming glow of the incandescent bulbs, to repose in the faux Victorian chairs. What was worse was seeing the plain faced brunette making use of my secret outlet. That rancorous, shameless bitch! Did she not know the power of this space, the consequences she threatened to incur by exposing its greatest secrets to the dorm? Clearly she was unaware of her cruel idiocy, and rather than seek direct confrontation with a gaggle of potentially murderous college aged females, I retreated a few paces to the more exposed and outlet-less corner of the lobby, the one not so acoustically oriented so as to filter out the unnecessary ambient noise.

This relocation was the rough equivalent of moving from Manhattan's Central Park West to the Lower East Side. I traded opulent luxury and unparalleled convenience for heavy pedestrian traffic, exceptionally loud outbursts and the smell of illicit drugs wafting through the air. I hung my head in defeat, but vowed a triumphant return. Like Christ, I would return to my kingdom upon a cloud of glory, though in lieu of a glorious condensation of water molecules I would make my triumphant homecoming in a pair of sheepskin slippers and a beige cable knit sweater. I would not lower myself to begging for acceptance in the realm that I am now convinced is my birthright. "Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven" I thought to myself, quoting Lucifer's infamous mantra from Milton's Paradise Lost.

And so I waited. I was determined to see their occupation crumble like ancient Rome falling at the hands of Germanic invaders, driven to surrender by a combination of needing to sleep and overall boredom. I endured less than ten minutes of torturous noise and stupidity, the latter of which manifested itself in the form of a girl hopelessly trying to memorize a French vocabulary list, before I conceded defeat. My retreat was hasty and a severe blow to my regime, but I knew there would be copious opportunities to retake my throne.

I returned today to find my corner deserted save for one girl, typing away absentmindedly on her laptop and no doubt contemplating whether her productivity would flourish in a change of venue. I approached cautiously and set up my post as quickly as possible. Fumbling with my charger, she helpfully pointed my towards my usual outlet. It took me a moment to process this advice. Her knowledge of the outlet's existence suddenly registered and confirmed my worst fears about the circulation of my realm's secrets at exponential speed. This was unacceptable, treasonous and severely disheartening.

From that point on I vowed to guard with extreme ferocity the wonders of my study space, a veritable Eden in a dorm swamped with the inherent sin of man. Constant vigilance and a keen eye would be my indispensable weapons against my witless peers, those fools who dare tread on hallowed ground, unfit for this paradise.